Eyes shut tight holding back tears. Why would I cry? I have memories, why should I not look back on them and weep. Why do I weep? Why have you been taken away from me in this way? My heart breaks for how you are and there is simply nothing I can do about it. This is out of my scope of helping you as I have been able to in our lives together. Don’t give me stress, I can’t manage stress is what you said to me many years ago when we were younger and so I was able to do this for you. However, I am not sure that this has helped you with what is happening to you now. You are stressed and I am not there to bring you the peace and calm that I was able to do when I was younger, but more importantly when you were well.
This illness has grabbed hold of you bringing you down, and I wonder if you even understand that you have an illness. You know things have changed for you but do you really understand what is happening to you. I know you feel deserted that no one wants you and this is so untrue. Just not the case. It hurts so much to see you this way, to see your living conditions now, the room that is your house, the people who share your life now that can’t talk or comprehend things, and above all you wonder why you can’t leave the premises on your own. Why can’t you drive? Your vehicle was taken away, but you knew at that time this had to happen because sometimes you couldn’t remember how to drive or one time you forgot where you lived and how to get home. So the vehicle had to go.
Now you want to get out of that place but at times I am so scared and stressed with things I can’t take you out. You are not well behaved and have walked away from me sometimes and I get so very scared because you have no idea where you live or even what your name was. I try not to agree to take you out but I know you love to get out of that place that you now live in. The people are kind to you, you have told me they have nice smiles and are kind to you. This makes me feel better. It doesn’t heal me though or stop my tears for you and what is happening to us.
Did we sign up for this? Why? Maybe one day we will learn about the reason for it all and appreciate that it had to happen, but I don’t like how it is and I wish you were here with me now pottering in the garden as you used to. I don’t have a routine in my day any more, it’s just not the same. You are missing and I hate it. My hands are tied and we have to go down this road together but apart. It’s so unfair.